Satire ·
Coffee Machine Installed in NAD Lobby: Sunday Law Enforcement to Begin 'Any Day Now'
⚡ SATIRE — NOT REAL NEWS COLUMBIA, MD — A Keurig coffee machine was installed in the North American Division headquarters lobby on Monday, a development that eschatologically-attuned observers say confirms the long-anticipated Sunday Law wi
Filed under Religious Liberty & the Sunday Law
Satire — not news. Written as satire, labelled as satire, every time.
COLUMBIA, MD — A Keurig coffee machine was installed in the North American Division headquarters lobby on Monday, a development that eschatologically-attuned observers say confirms the long-anticipated Sunday Law will be enforced "within weeks, possibly days."
"I saw it with my own eyes," said Harold Bickerson, 67, a self-appointed watchman who has been monitoring the NAD parking lot since 2014. "First it's coffee in the lobby. Next it's the mark of the beast. Probably a QR code for Fair Trade certification."
Sister White warned in Counsels on Diet and Foods, p. 425 that "tea and coffee are doing a work of destruction." The Counterweight has confirmed that the NAD coffee machine offers BOTH regular AND decaf — a development one independent ministry described as "the dual apostasy we were warned about in Revelation 13."
Signs Multiplying
The coffee machine is not the only sign. Witnesses report that the GC auditorium carpet was recently replaced with a color that one anonymous elder described as "suspiciously close to scarlet." A potluck at the Ohio Conference allegedly featured a casserole containing — and we have verified this with two sources — black pepper, a known stimulant.
"When you add it all up — the coffee, the carpet, the pepper — the prophetic timeline is undeniable," said Elena Grimstead, who runs a YouTube channel with 847 subscribers dedicated to tracking General Conference interior design decisions. "We're in the final minutes of Earth's history."
What Comes Next
According to the timeline circulated by Fulcrum7's most active commenters, the Sunday Law will be enforced by July 15, at which point faithful Adventists will be required to either (a) flee to the hills, (b) receive the mark of the beast (believed to be a combined Apple Pay/Starbucks Rewards integration), or (c) join an independent ministry in Tennessee.
The Counterweight has reached out to the NAD for comment on the coffee machine. A spokesperson reportedly responded, "It's just coffee, Harold."
That is exactly what they would say.
The Watchman is the satirist at The Counterweight. All satire pieces are clearly labeled. The coffee machine is real. The eschatology is not.